Q&A:

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abuse

Q: I am turning sixteen soon and I am still getting spanked. I am confused because my Christian faith says that I defy my parents, then I should be punished in that manner.

A: Different parents discipline their children in different ways. Perhaps you could have a talk with your parents about how you feel about the way they go about things. However, there is always that line between discipline and abuse. If it seems like the spanking is getting excessive, maybe it’s time to seek help.

Q: My friend’s significant other is abusive. What should I do?

A: Talk to your friend about it. Tell him/her that you are worried and don’t think the relationship he/she is in is a good relationship. Many teens deal with the issue of being in an abusive relationship and don’t know what to do. Sometimes, teens don’t realize that the relationship is abusive or that they are being treated wrong/badly. Let your friend know that you are here for him/her and you want what’s best for them. Your friend should know that love should never hurts. If somebody loves you, he/she will not treat you badly in any way (emotionally or physically). If the abuse continues or is excessive, talk to an adult and get your friend some help before things get even worse.

Q: I’m almost sure my step-dad is sexually abusing my little sister. How can I help her without getting in trouble?

A: You have a couple of options. You can talk with a trusted adult and get them to help you. You might consider talking to a teacher, a counselor, or a friend’s parent. You might want to talk to your Mom if you have a good relationship with her. Finally, you can make a report to child protective services by calling 1-800-632-4615 (in San Mateo County). If you are outside the Bay Area you can use this website to look up the number. You also may want to talk to your little sister and let her know that you are concerned about her. She may resist talking to you out of fear but let her know you’re there if she wants to talk.

for more information on this topic, see the referrals page

depression

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Q: My friend is sad all the time. She cries all the time. She is afraid to talk to a counselor. How can I help her?

A:Your friend is lucky to have you. I have a couple of ideas that might help. First, would your friend go to a counselor if you agreed to go with her for the first appointment? This might make it a little more comfortable for her. If she isn’t willing to do that would she call her local crisis line. She can reach the crisis center in her area by dialing 1-800-SUICIDE or a youth hotline at 1-800-843-5200. If your friend refuses both of these options I would try to enlist a trusted adult to talk with her. You might consider a teacher, coach, or parent. You also need to be sure that you are taking care of yourself!

Q: I think my friend is depressed, but I don’t know what to do. What should I say to him?

A: If you believe your friend is depressed, then you probably have some good reasons. Maybe he has started to withdraw from social activities or hobbies that he used to enjoy. Maybe you have noticed changes in his eating or sleeping habits. Whatever the reasons, you should try to ask your friend about it. Just tell him that you have noticed some changes and you are concerned. You could tell him the different things you have observed that has caused you to worry. Let your friend know that you want to talk to him about whatever it is that is bothering him. Let him know that you are here for him and you are willing to listen to anything he wants to talk about. You could also suggest that he try talking to a school counselor about what’s going on and offer to go with him to the counselor’s office if he wants you to. Also, tell him how he can reach a local crisis line if he’s interested (1-800-SUICIDE or a youth hotline at 1-800-843-5200). Keep being a good friend to him and looking out for him. If things don’t improve or you get really concerned, you might want to talk to a school counselor or other trusted adult yourself.

for more information on this topic, see the referrals page

drugs & alcohol

Q: If you smoke marijuana, can you become paranoid?: A: The simple answer is yes. Paranoia is one of many different effects of marijuana and its main drug delta-9-tetrahydrocannabinol (THC). More information can be found from the National Medical Library.
Q: How can I help my friend to stop drinking?: A:Talk to your friend at a good time, when they’re sober. Express your concern for them, and tell them how you feel when they go out and drink or when they talk about drinking. Encourage your friend to talk with someone, whether it be an organization or a school counselor. Don’t accuse your friend of being an alcoholic. Accusing your friend won’t help and will make them feel threatened; most likely they’ll deny being addicted to alcohol. It’s important to encourage your friend as much as you can to seek help and tell them that you’re just concerned. However, in the end it must be your friend’s personal decision to go and actually seek help. If you want more assistance in helping your friend or need a place to go to simply talk, you can always try Alateen, which is for friends of people who are alcoholics. (source here)

for more information on this topic, see the referrals page

eating disorders

A: Try talking to your girlfriend or boyfriend about it. Let them know that you are concerned and worried about their health. Let them know that you are only doing this because you care so much. Be sure your girlfriend/boyfriend knows that you don’t think any differently about them and you aren’t judging them because of this. It is important that he/she realizes that you are only trying to help him/her. Try to get your boyfriend/girlfriend to seek help for this problem. You could research different support groups or counseling options for him/her. If things don’t seem to be improving or your boyfriend/girlfriend isn’t getting help, let an adult know about your concerns.

for information on this topic, see the referrals page

general health

Q: My dad/mom had diabetes. Am I likely to get that even if I eat right and exercise?: A: If your parents had diabetes, you are at a higher risk for it. However it does not mean that you’ll get diabetes. By being careful about what you eat, watching your weight, and exercising daily you can significantly reduce your chances of getting diabetes, especially if your parents have type II diabetes, also known as adult onset diabetes. Type I diabetes is thought to have a greater genetic component. (source)
Q: How do people physically take care of their bodies?: A: Diet, exercise, and staying away from harmful substances is important for anyone in order to maintain a healthy body. For more information, try Medline Plus.

for more information on this topic, see the referrals page

LGBTQQ

Q: Is being gay bad?: A: While some people may try to make it seem as though it is, the answer to this question is no. In 1974, homosexuality was removed from the DSM, which is a book psychiatrists use to determine diseases. While the genetics behind sexual orientation is unknown, many scientists say that it is determined early in life, perhaps in the womb or perhaps in the early stages of life. Many compare it to being left-handed. Those who refer to it as being “bad” or “immoral” do so most of the time because of their own religious beliefs. While some religious groups are against homosexuality, there are many others that are okay with homosexuality. As for religion, it depends on how you interpret the words. Following with the left-handed example, being left- handed used to mean that you were possessed by a demon. They would tie the left-handed person’s left hand behind their back and force them to write with their right. Modern science later proved that the person wasn’t possessed by a demon; they were just left-handed. Perhaps this is somewhat like homosexuality today.
Q: What is LGBTQQ?: A: LGBTQQ (also shortened to LGBT) is an acronym for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, and Questioning. Quite a mouthful! To clear some things up, here are some basic defenitions of each of these. Lesbian: a woman who is attracted to other women. Gay: commonly used to refer to men attracted to other men, but can also be used to describe women attracted to other women. Bisexual: someone who is attracted to both sexes. How much they are attracted to either sex may not be entirely equal. Transgender: someone who’s gender identity does not fit with their biological sex. An example of this could be a genetically born girl who has the parts of a girl but feels like they should be a boy. Queer: an umbrella term used to encompass all those of the GLBTQQ community. It used to be a negative term but was reclaimed by the community. Now it can be used as something positive. Questioning: this term is used for someone who isn’t sure of their sexual orientation or how to label themselves.

for more information on this topic, see the referrals page

mental Health

Q: How do I help a friend who is dealing with a problem?

A: The most important thing is to simply be there for your friend. Let your friend know that you are here for him/her and you are always willing to talk about the problem or whatever they are dealing with. It is important that your friend knows that he/she has someone to talk to. Also, be sure to really listen to your friend. Actively listen to what he/she is saying and ask questions if you don’t understand. Be sensitive to the issue and remember to be non-judgmental. Your friend will appreciate knowing that you aren’t going to think differently of him/her because of this problem. You can also refer your friend to a Crisis Hotline if he/she would prefer to anonymously talk to someone.

Q: Can schizophrenia be cured? Is it treatable?

A: Schizophrenia cannot be cured, but it can be treated. Schizophrenia affects people differently, and some people may have a worse case then others. Those with a mild case of schizophrenia may have the chance to achieve a “normal” life and only suffer a little from the disorder. Those with a much worse case of schizophrenia have less of a chance of having a “normal” life but can still be treated.Treatment tends to include a type of medicine called an antipsychotic, or neuroleptic. These medicines can be prescribed by a doctor.

Q: How do people get schizophrenia?

A: There is no simple answer as to how people get schizophrenia. There are probably multiple causes for schizophrenia and scientists do not know all of the factors that cause this mental disorder. Genetics, environment, and neurotransmitters are all thought to contribute to the cause of schizophrenia.

for more information on this topic, see the referrals
page

other

Q: How confidential is the phone line?

A: Our phone line is completely confidential. You can tell us your name if you want to, but if you aren’t comfortable doing so, then you don’t have to give us your name. You can give us a nickname or other name if you prefer, or simply not say your name at all. The phone line is confidential and the volunteers who work the phone line are trained and agree to keep all information that they hear while working the phone line confidential. The point of the phone line is to give you someone to talk to. So if you are feeling stressed or overwhelmed or something is going on, feel free to call a crisis hotline and just vent. It’s anonymous and they are here to help!

Q: How do you decide which questions get answered on this page?

A: We would like to address all the questions we get, but unfortunately, we cannot. That being said, we look over all of our questions and see how different they are. Many times, we get the same question from many different people. If many people are asking about a certain topic and it is not already addressed on our website, then we try to go ahead and answer that question. We try to choose questions that affect many teens in order to help the largest number of people. We also choose questions that are not answered anywhere else on our website.

for more information on this topic, see the referrals
page

relationships

Q: I went out with a guy, but we broke up. We still talk and get in fights; and I still really like him, but I don’t know if he still likes me. What do I do?

A: The best thing to do in this situation is to be up front with the guy. If you really like him and want to get back together or work on your relationship, then you need to know if he feels the same way. You can try talking to him one day and just being honest with him about how you feel. Tell him that you still like him and want to know whether or not he is interested in going out again. If he is, then you might want to try and figure out what causes you two to fight. If the fighting occurs fairly often, you both may need to work on things in order to make the relationship more enjoyable and to prevent future problems.

Q: I’ve been dating this guy for about a month and a half. We only talk to each other sometimes. I really like him. Does he really like me and is afraid to show it or what?

A: I would say that he must like you because he’s going out with you! And since you two have been going out for over a month, I would think that he likes you. Maybe he is shy and doesn’t know how to show that he likes you. He might be embarrassed to show his emotions or afraid that others will look at him differently or tease him because of his feelings. Maybe you could try talking to him about it. You could start by telling him that you like him and are glad that he is your boyfriend. That might give him the opportunity to tell you how he feels about you. Don’t be afraid to ask him about his feelings. Just tell him you want to be sure he is happy with the relationship and you would like to know that he cares about you, too!

Q: There is a guy I love who is treating me very badly. My friends say I deserve to be treated better. What should I do?

A: First off, love never hurts! You should never ever be treated badly (emotionally, verbally, or physically) by someone who loves you. That isn’t love. If your friends have told you that you deserve to be treated better, then I’m going to have to agree with your friends on this one. Your friends know you well and want what’s best for you. They are obviously concerned about you and the way this guy is treating you. You may want to seriously consider ending your relationship with this guy and putting some space between the two of you. Give yourself some time to think about things and figure out exactly what you want to do. Hang out with your friends and enjoy yourself! You could also talk to this guy. Tell him about the concerns your friends have and tell him that you know he doesn’t treat you well. Maybe he could seek help for any issues he has that might be causing him to act this way towards you. If he isn’t really to work on his problem, then I would suggest you focus your time and energy elsewhere.

Q: My boyfriend has been talking to one of my guy friends about breaking-up with me. He hasn’t called me or said anything to me about wanting to. I’m worried our relationship is going down hill and I don’t know how to fix it. Can you help?

A: The best thing to do would be to ask your boyfriend about this. You don’t have to tell him that your guy friend told him what he was talking about, but you could express your concern that you’re worried the relationship is going down-hill. Tell him how you feel about him and let him know that this relationship is important to you. Ask him if there is anything bothering him or if there is anything he can think of that will improve your relationship. Take action now and see if things can improve before it gets beyond repair. If you do tell him what your guy friend told you, you might want to ask your boyfriend why he would talk to one of your friends about this, instead of just coming to you and talking to you about it. Let him know that you are willing to talk about any concerns he might have about your relationship and you would appreciate if he came to you to talk about it.

Q: I don’t think my sister’s boyfriend is good for her. I think she deserves better. What should I do?

A: Your sister is lucky to have you to look out for her! If you really think she deserves better, you should try talking to her about it. Make sure it is at an appropriate time, when both of you have free time and aren’t in a hurry. Approach the subject in a respectful manner. You don’t want to make your sister angry by saying a lot of negative things about her boyfriend or insulting him. Be honest with her and tell her what it is exactly that he does to make you think she deserves better. Approach the topic by telling her how much you care about her and how you only want her to be happy. Your sister may not take your advice and may choose to continue to date her boyfriend, but at least you have gotten it off your chest and told her what is on your mind. If you don’t feel like you can talk to your sister about the situation, then try talking and expressing your concerns to one of your parents or other family members.

resources

see the referrals page

self-harm

Q: Am I crazy for cutting myself?

A: No, not at all! You are not alone. Many people, especially teens, cut themselves to deal with the emotional or psychological pain they are feeling. While this isn’t a healthy way to deal with your stress or pain, you are definitely not crazy. Read the other questions and check out our referrals page for more info/help!

Q: What is cutting?

A: Cutting is a form of self-injury. Cutting is injuring yourself on purpose by making cuts (breaking the skin and making it bleed) on your body with a sharp object.

Q: Why do people cut themselves?

A: It might be hard to understand why someone would cut themselves. Cutting is viewed as a way for them to cope with whatever it is they are going through. People who cut typically do so to deal with some sort of emotional or psychological pain they are in. Some people may feel extremely overwhelmed and/or stressed out and they are searching for some sort of relief from these feelings. Some cutters say they experience a sort of gratification from cutting. Some describe it as an emotional gratification, others describe it as a form of sexual gratification. Some people may, in a sense, enjoy the pain and, therefore; get gratification from cutting. Many times, the cutter feels some sort of “release” after he/she has cut. It is way for them to put a physical pain to the emotional pain they might feel. Some people cut because it then gives them something else to focus on. After cutting, they can focus on the physical pain and avoid thinking about the emotional pain. People who cut often don’t know how else to deal with the intense emotions they are feeling. Because they do not know how to cope with the stress or pain, it builds up and that tension continues to build. Cutting seems to be a way for them to deal with that tension.

Q: What do you do if someone is cutting and they won’t talk to you about it?

A: Sometimes people are afraid to tell people about their cutting because they don’t want to be judged or looked at differently. Other times, the person may feel like what he/she is doing is no big deal. It’s good that you tried to confront the situation and get the person to talk to you. You might want to give it another try. If the person still won’t talk to you about it, you might try to refer him/her to a crisis hotline or chat room so he/she can maybe talk anonymously to somebody else about the problem. If the person continues to refuse help and you are concerned, you should consider telling a trusted adult. You could speak with a counselor, a teacher, a parent or other family member, or any other adult that you trust. An adult will be sensitive to the situation and might be able to get the person help. Also, by telling an adult it will help lessen some of the stress that you are feeling and you can share the responsibility with an adult.

Q: How can I help my friend from cutting?

A: Try talking to your friend about why he/she cuts. Let him/her know that you are here for him/her and you are willing to talk and listen. Many times, cutting is a coping mechanism people use and they prefer to focus on a physical pain instead of an emotional pain. You can suggest other things for your friend to try in place of cutting. For instance, some people who are trying to stop cutting will wear a rubber band around their wrists and when they feel the urge to cut, they will snap the rubber band a couple of times. That can help provide some of the physical release that cutting might give. Check out our referrals page for some more resources!

sexual health

Q: How do you know if you are ready for a sexual relationship with a yearlong boyfriend?

A: Unfortunately, there aren’t any real concrete signs as to whether or not you are ready. Make sure you know yourself and think about whether or not it feels right to you. Think about the other person and how well you know him/her. Also, think about your feelings for this person and whether or not you truly care about him/her and trust him/her completely. Make sure you know why you thinking about taking this step. Don’t do it for anybody else and be sure you aren’t feeling pressure to do it…this is your decision. Sex doesn’t happen on a time line so just because you have been together a certain amount of time doesn’t mean it’s time to have sex. Be sure you know exactly why you want to have sex and make sure it is worth it. Also, know all the risks that come with being sexually active (HIV/AIDS, STDs, pregnancy) and be sure you know how to protect yourself from these risks. Be sure you realize that there is nothing that will 100% protect you from these risks except abstinence! Like I said, there is no real “sign” that you are ready. This is a big decision and you just need to take your time and consider everything.

Q: What can I do to help my best friend who is 16 and having a baby?

A: The best thing you can do for your friend is to be there for her. This is going to be a rough time for her, physically and emotionally. She will need a reliable, caring friend who she can turn to for support and encouragement. It’s hard when you’re young and having a baby. Some people may say mean things about you or gossip about you. That is why it is so important for you to just continue being the best friend you can be and to let her know that you are here for her if she needs anything.

stress

Q: What can one do to make oneself feel better?

A: If you have a lot of stress in your life, it’s important to find effective coping mechanisms to help deal with that stress. Coping mechanisms are anything that are safe and help to reduce stress. For example an effective coping mechanism for one person may be to write everything down that they have to do, and then systematically do everything on the list. Then maybe that person will do something relaxing like talk with a friend or read a book. Another coping mechanism could be playing a sport that you enjoy or taking a quiet walk. It’s important to find time for yourself so that you can push away the stress of the day. Effectively dealing with stress prevents suicide.

Q: What can I do to stop from feeling suicidal when I am dealing with a lot of stress?

A: The best thing you can do is to talk about it. Talk to someone you trust and feel that you can confide in. You can talk to a close friend, family member, or anyone else you feel close to. If you don’t want to talk to anybody in your life or feel you don’t have anyone to talk to, call a Crisis Hotline or visit our youth chat room so you can talk to someone anonymously. Keeping your emotions and thoughts bottled up inside won’t do you any good. Not talking about how you are feeling will probably only make the feelings intensify or make you feel worse. Also, engage in some (healthy) activities that you enjoy. You can listen to music, write, exercise, or hang out with friends. Engaging in a healthy activity that you enjoy is a good way to cope with your stress and it can help to reduce some of your stress. Remember to practice engaging in these positive/healthy activities so that you can proactively deal with your stress and prevent that overwhelmed feeling you may experience at times. This can help prevent the suicidal feelings caused by too much stress. Also, by talking to someone about what you are dealing with, you will be able to get your emotions out and that can help you deal with some of the suicidal feelings you might be experiencing.

for information on this topic, see the referrals page

suicide

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Q: Why would someone want to commit suicide?

A: Suicidal people typically feel overwhelmed, stressed, and may be experiencing emotional or psychological pain. They have so much going on and they don’t know what to do about the situation they are in. Many times, they aren’t thinking clearly and cannot see any other way out of the current situation they are dealing with. They may have tried other coping mechanisms, but nothing seems to work so they don’t know what else to do. Suicidal people resort to suicide as a last resort. Things don’t seem to be getting any better for them and they feel that there is nothing they can do but kill themselves. Many times, they view death as simply a consequence of ending the pain they are in. It’s not that they want to die or to end their own lives, but they want that pain they are feeling to end.

Q: My friend said he/she is feeling suicidal and told me not to tell anyone, but I think he/she is really serious; what should I do?

A: Tell a trusted adult. I know it might be hard because you promised that you wouldn’t tell, but if you are really worried and think your friend is serious, you need to get help and you need to get it fast! Tell a teacher or counselor at school or a family member…anybody you can trust and feel comfortable talking to about this situation. Your friend might be mad at you for telling someone, but would you rather have your friend mad and alive or dead? If you don’t tell someone and get your friend help, you might lose him/her forever.

Q: Do girls commit suicide more than boys?

A: No, males actually commit suicide 4 times more often than females. However, females attempt suicide 3 times more often than males.

Q: If a person says they want to kill themselves, will they?

A: The short answer is yes. If a person threatens suicide, you should take it seriously. It’s never funny to joke about committing suicide. Many times, suicidal people tell someone they want to or are thinking about killing themselves. In fact, 70% of people who commit suicide actually told someone they wanted to do it and for some reason or another, they did not receive help and went through with the act. Because you can never be sure if someone is serious or not, you should take every threat of suicide seriously.

Q: What age groups have the most suicides?

A: The elderly are actually most at risk for committed suicides and have the most completed suicides out of the age groups. This could be because as you get older, the tendency to have health problems increases. Also, as you get older, you might lose other close family members and friends due to old age/death, so that support system might be weakened. However, young people/teens are most at risk for attempted suicides. So they have the most attempted suicides out of all the age groups.

Q: What are the warning signs of suicide?

A: Warning signs include cutting/self injury, writing a will or giving things away, saying “goodbye” or “I love you”, threats of suicide, drug/alcohol abuse, drastic changes in mood, and depression. Symptoms of depression can include: changes in eating/sleeping habits, isolation, withdrawal, feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and worthlessness or despair, feeling lonely, and no longer getting enjoyment from activities that you used to enjoy.Please remember that none of these things mean someone is suicidal. But the more warning signs that are present, the more at risk that person is considered to be of committing suicide.

Q: What is the best way to deal with someone who is suicidal? What should I do if I think my friend is suicidal?

A: The best thing to do to help a suicidal person is to TALK to them about it. Be upfront, honest, and straightforward about the topic. Don’t be afraid to say the word “suicide” or to ask them if they are suicidal. Talking about suicide doesn’t hurt the person! Many times suicidal people want someone to talk to, but they are afraid or don’t know who to turn to. So, talk to the person and let him/her know that you are here and willing to talk about anything, including suicide. If they don’t want to talk to you about it, you can refer them to a crisis hotline and that way they can talk to somebody anonymously. Or you can call a local crisis hotline and get some resources for your friend. You can ask the people at the hotline to give you some referrals to different counseling options or support groups. It might make things easier for your friend if you do some of the work for him/her. Finally, if you are worried about someone being suicidal, you need to tell a trusted adult! You can tell a parent or family member, a teacher, counselor, or any other adult that you trust and can talk to. It’s a lot of stress worrying about someone being suicidal and it is too much for one person to handle. Telling an adult not only helps your friend, but it can also relieve some of your stress, too.

Q: If a person has already attempted suicide, do you think they will try it again?

A: Yes, if a person has attempted suicide in the past, he/she is 40 times more likely to reattempt suicide. It doesn’t mean they will definitely attempt again. Perhaps after the past attempt they got help and are now able to deal with things in a more positive, healthy way. If that’s the case, then they may never attempt suicide again. However, if they are still struggling with some things and don’t know how to cope, then they may attempt again.

Q: What’s the most common way people attempt suicide?

A: The most common method used to attempt suicide is by overdosing on drugs/alcohol.

Q: How many suicides are there a year in the U.S.?

A: There are approximately 30,000 suicides committed in a year in the U.S.

for information on this topic, see the referrals
page